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Adam's Rib: A Wife's Biblical Perspective
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Adam's Rib:
A Wife's Biblical Perspective
A picture-perfect marriage ... is it possible? Living in a world of imperfect people, how could we ever assume we can attain a 'PERFECT' relationship with another human being?!
With a teachable heart and some invaluable wisdom to apply from a twenty-five year marriage veteran, we can certainly hope to continually hone our marriage into 'a thing of beauty!'
Because we receive a constant stream of email questions about how-to's of both romance and relationship issues, we have prayerfully considered how to address these heart-longings of our readers. This page is a result. This is your opportunity to ask questions to assist you in your marriage relationship, and to ask this counsel from someone who has the wisdom brought about by twenty-five years of marriage.
Enjoy reading and applying this thought-provoking material.
How do I use this page?
1. Enjoy reading the articles presented below.
2. Ask Lavonda (A.K.A. Adam's Rib) any question(s) you have about marriage, whether about romance- or relationship issues.
(You will find her abbreviated autobiography at the bottom of this page.)
3. When participating by asking Lavonda any questions, please include the question, your name (optional), number of years married, and your city, state, country (optional). Whatever information you put in your request will be published on this page.
4. Miss articles? We'll keep them listed with a 'request' hyperlink below the current article.
5. Feedback is not only welcomed, it's encouraged!
Simply email your feedback to asktherib-romanceyourwife@yahoo.com
Questions to Lavonda (A.K.A. Adam's Rib)
* Question:
I hope it's alright to ask you a question. I know that men and women have different needs, and I believe that a man's first need is sex, while a woman's first need is for emotional attachment.
Now, what I would like to know is, how can a man fulfill his spouse's need while at the same time been able to have his needs met also. I gather that men don't satisfy their spouse's need, yet become upset, mad if you please when they are not satisfied.
Please shed some light on this. I am desperate. I even wish there was a book I could receive to help my marriage in this area.
Thanks and I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Article #15
Question:
I am married to the perfect man, but at times I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. I like to make love and feel the closeness of his heart and body close to mine. I have notice that he sometimes doesn’t want to make love. I thought it was me he assures me it is not but I am not sure. I would like to receive [specific sexual act] from my husband on a daily basis, and I don’t mind giving it I just want to make sure he likes it as well. he says he does but I find myself always asking for it.
I feel like when I married him that I was special to God for this man whom I want to share my whole world with. Saying all that I do have some issues that bother me about my husband. I feel sometimes as thought I can’t trust him. I have always said to him there is something about him that I am unsure of. I wonder is because he seems so perfect and my first marriage was a disaster.
I sometimes make him feel like I don’t love him and that is clearly not the case. I am in church and seeking God for his guidance to love him with the love of God in order to be a better wife. Advice I don’t want to lose my husband because of my insecurity. I love him so much I feel like I have to drop a lot of who I was to go into territory of my heart that I have not let anyone into for a while. I am willing to let him enter in because I love him but I have a fear of him hurting me. I don’t believe that but I am unsure.
Advice please ~ Sexually Distraught.
~ Sexually Distraught ~
Dear Distraught,
You have touched on more than one issue here. I think it would be wise to try to separate each one and examine them individually.
First, you admit that you have insecurity issues. What woman doesn’t? By our very nature we need security, and some of us can never get enough. A woman who has been hurt in a relationship in the past often suffers more than a woman who has been blessed with nothing but solid fulfilling relationships. So I understand why you feel insecure.
But just because you have good reason to be insecure does not mean that you need to spend the rest of your life wallowing in that pit. Your first marriage is history. Stop letting that man and those circumstances hurt you. It’s time to move on and put past hurts at the foot of the cross where they belong. Jesus already wants to take those hurts from you. You simply need to be willing to let Him have them. Forgive your first husband and stop punishing your current mate for things he didn’t do.
Realize that the man you are married to now is not the man that hurt you in the past.
You say you are married to the perfect man but you don’t trust him. Has he done something to make you doubt him? Have you caught him in a lie, or have you seen him deceive others? If you have, then you need to pray for him. Then, in a non-condemning way, explain to him how his actions cause you to mistrust him. But if he has never given you reasons to doubt him, don’t.
Make trust a matter of your will. Wake up every day and decide, I will trust Jesus, and I will trust my husband. When suspicious thoughts or doubts come into your mind, ask God to give you clear thinking and reveal to you His truth. Satan loves to shoot his fiery darts into a woman’s mind. He is determined to destroy your marriage and you. God’s Word says, “Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)
I hope I understand you correctly when you say that you have to drop a lot of who you were and open an area of your heart to your husband that you’ve had closed for a while. If your husband demands certain changes in your personality or “who you are” as a manipulation tool, then I suggest you get good counseling.
But letting go of who we once were is part of following Christ. If we truly want to follow God’s guidance, we can be sure we are going to have to give up who we were to become who He wants us to be. Much of the time, God gives us a mate who will act as sandpaper, smoothing our rough edges, helping us to conform to the image of Christ.
As far as opening up an area of your heart that has been closed for a while? I’m sure that’s true. Do you want your husband to open his whole heart to you? If so, it’s only fair you do the same. If you hold something back from him, can he trust you? I find it never comfortable but always wise to look in a mirror at myself before trying to help anyone else fix their flaws.
Now let’s talk about the physical relationship. My advice is hindered by many unknowns. You said that there is a specific sexual act that you want from your husband on a daily basis. I don’t know if you are talking about a good-morning kiss, a flirtatious pinch or pat, or…something much more physical. I’m not sure if you are distraught over an overall lack of desire (decreased sex drive) in your husband, or over your having to ask for this one daily act. I don’t know how long you have been married, or your ages. I don’t know your life’s circumstances—are there children in the home? Are finances an issue? What about stress levels at work? Is your husband in good health?
All these things can play a large roll in the physical relationship between a husband and wife. The sexual union of husband and wife is not only physical, but also mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Physical: Many health conditions affect a man’s desire and ability for sex. High blood pressure, diabetes, poor circulation, thyroid problems, reduced testosterone levels…the list goes on. Even a bad tooth or unknown infection can make a man feel a little “off.” And if a man has any reason to doubt that he will be able to “perform,” he will act withdrawn before he will admit his feelings of inadequacies. Maybe a through check-up by the family doctor would be a good idea.
Mental: Typically a man thinks about only one thing at a time. When he has sex on the brain you know it, right? If work is eating his lunch, his mind could be there. His energy and attention will be there too. If he has ill parents, an irritating ex-wife, or if children are part of the picture, there are more places for his mind to be taxed. In today’s economy, he may be worried about losing his job. He knows you are insecure, so rather than tell you his worries, he may bottle them to protect you. More stress equals less sex.
Emotional: You said that you have told him that you don’t fully trust him. If he said that same thing to you, would you feel like giving him sexual favors? (There’s that mirror again.) Even if you don’t voice your mistrust, he may be sensing it. It is possible to love someone immeasurably yet feel so wounded by them that you are reluctant to share your most intimate gifts with them.
Spiritual: Marriage is God’s idea, His design, His institution. Every aspect of marriage is spiritual whether we realize it or not. Are you and your husband on the same page spiritually? Do you pray together, worship together, and share basic doctrinal beliefs? Possibly is God dealing with your husband in some area of his life? 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 teaches that husbands and wives are to give themselves to each other, but that it is okay to abstain from fulfilling your sexual responsibilities to each other for a time, by agreement, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. I’m not saying that his lack of eagerness to do what you want is because he wants to pray instead, but it wouldn’t hurt for the two of you to talk about the spiritual aspect of your physical relationship. Put God at the center of every part of your marriage, including your sexual relationship.
I don’t know the details of your situation, but I’ve listed just a few things that might make a man less than zealous to give you the specific sexual act you desire. But I’d like to add just one more practical point. If what you are asking for is more than that simple kiss or hug, daily might be a bit much. Give the guy a break.
I love cream cheese—it gives me great pleasure. But if I ate it every day, I think I might get a little tired of it. Variety really is sometimes what spices up life, particularly in the bedroom. And no matter what you read in sex article on the web or in magazines, all men don’t want it seven days a week!
Try a little abstinence and or variety—it could increase desire and pleasure for both of you. But mostly, be gracious and loving, putting his needs before your own, as an act of love. That’s what Christ did, and that’s what we are to do too.
Blessing to you and your husband,
Adam’s Rib
Miss Any Articles?
(Just click. We'll email them to you.)
A Time to be Silent, A Time to Speak, Pt 1
A Time to be Silent, A Time to Speak, Pt2
Non-Romantic Husband
Arguments vs Romance
Too Tired for Romance
Practical Wife
Serendipity Romance
Hope and Healing
Wanting to Do It Right
Sometimes Jealous Wife
Caged on the East Coast
Wanting Children
Step Parent/Blended Family Relationships
Intimacy and Passion
~ About Me ~
From an early age I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry, and while I was still a teenager, I became a wife. I didn't marry the kind of man I had envisioned from my youth. After all, does Mr. Perfect really exist?
The last twenty-five years have been packed with experiences: good and bad, high and low, fun and tragic, joyful and sorrowful. In that time I have watched as the God of all creation transformed the man I married into the prince of my dreams, and more. I've undergone my share of transformation too as the Lord has dealt with my less than perfect nature. I could have never imagined a life so full and blessed, nor a marriage so rich and sweet.
It is my hope, my prayer, and my intent to help seekers live the abundant life that Christ died to give. Through this page readers can ask questions, request prayer, and hopefully grow and improve their relationships with their spouse and with God. I will share the truth of God's Word along with insights into marital relationships gained from years of practical experience.
Grateful to be,
Adam's Rib
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