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Adam's Rib: A Wife's Biblical Perspective
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Adam's Rib:
A Wife's Biblical Perspective
A picture-perfect marriage ... is it possible? Living in a world of imperfect people, how could we ever assume we can attain a 'PERFECT' relationship with another human being?!
With a teachable heart and some invaluable wisdom to apply from a twenty-five year marriage veteran, we can certainly hope to continually hone our marriage into 'a thing of beauty!'
Because we receive a constant stream of email questions about how-to's of both romance and relationship issues, we have prayerfully considered how to address these heart-longings of our readers. This page is a result. This is your opportunity to ask questions to assist you in your marriage relationship, and to ask this counsel from someone who has the wisdom brought about by twenty-five years of marriage.
Enjoy reading and applying this thought-provoking material.
How do I use this page?
1. Enjoy reading the articles presented below.
2. Ask Lavonda (A.K.A. Adam's Rib) any question(s) you have about marriage, whether about romance- or relationship issues.
(You will find her abbreviated autobiography at the bottom of this page.)
3. When participating by asking Lavonda any questions, please include the question, your name (optional), number of years married, and your city, state, country (optional). Whatever information you put in your request will be published on this page.
4. Miss articles? We'll keep them listed with a 'request' hyperlink below the current article.
5. Feedback is not only welcomed, it's encouraged!
Simply email your feedback to asktherib-romanceyourwife@yahoo.com
Questions to Lavonda (A.K.A. Adam's Rib)
* Question:
I am extremely insecure about my body and have issues sexually with my husband seeing me. Also, when I try to tell him how I feel he ends up yelling and telling me I'm being negative. I work swing shifts full time, go to school full time, have an 8 month old daughter. My husband is a firefighter and all I ever hear is about firefighting and hunting. I feel like it's always about his wants and needs, he never wants to spend time with me, isn't attracted to me even though he says he is. Help me please. I feel like our marriage is failing and I do not want our marriage to end, but I am having problems trying to continue with feeling this way. We have only been married for three years. Please help.
Distressed in SC
Article #16
Question:
I was unfaithful to my wife for the first time after 15 years of marriage and confessed all to her. We sought counseling and are working at rebuilding the relationship. She has re-established contact in recent months with an old male friend from childhood who is A Jehovah's witness ( we are both Baptists) and is in frequent contact with him; sometimes late at night via skype or text messages. I feel very uncomfortable with her relationship with her male friend and have shared this with her but she thinks I'm being unreasonably jealous.She has shared a lot with him about our struggles and she tells me that he encouraged her not to give up on our relationship. She told me many years ago that the reason she didn't marry him was because of their religious differences.
Am I being unreasonable in how I feel about their friendship? He is in contact with her everyday via text or phone calls and I have tried to convince myself that their relationship is strictly platonic as she insists and not feel a sense of being the victim of emotional infidelity. During our counseling sessions she made it clear that in the years of marriage I had been selfish and had not been meeting her emotional needs. I have tried to make changes where this is concerned but I wonder at times if I'm being insecure.
I take some comfort in the fact that she has a strong relationship with Jesus Christ and that this matters greatly to her.
I'd appreciate your advice on how to deal with my trust issues?
~ Unfaithful Then, Trust Issues Now.
~ Unfaithful Then, Trust Issues Now ~
Dear Trust Issues,
First, let me applaud you for being honest with your wife about your affair. Good relationships are built on honesty. Without openness and honesty, trust cannot exist. Also, I commend you and your wife for putting out the effort to seek counseling and for working on your marriage. I know that when God restores anything, including a marriage, it can be better and more beautiful than it was before. That is what I am praying for your marriage.
Now, I have to ask: have you talked to your counselor about your wife's communication with the other man? If you have not, I beg you to do so! I cannot believe any counselor would say that it is a good idea for her to communicate with an old flame about your marriage difficulties. She is walking into a mine field!
I wonder if your wife realizes that she is feeding the spirit of distrust and insecurity that has already moved into your relationship. Do you feel that she is being vindictive? Is she the type of personality that would try to "get even"? Is she trying to show you how badly your unfaithfulness hurt her? (This kind of thing hurts a woman deeper than words can ever express.) If you feel this is the case, then please, before you accuse her, consult privately with your counselor, and get advice on how to talk this out. Again, truth and honesty must prevail and that includes being honest about motives, not just actions.
Just a side note here--I'm assuming you have told your wife that you know what you did was wrong, asked her forgiveness, and tried to let her know that you know how deeply you have wounded her. If not, do it now.
If you believe your wife has pure motives behind her communications with the man, then you may be able to address this issue more easily without the counselor's help. (But I still recommend bringing the topic up during your next session if possible.) No one likes to be accused if they are innocent, so check your attitude when you approach the subject. I think most women like to feel secure and protected. So, if you, her husband and protector, ask her to cease communications with this man for HER own good and not because it makes you feel insecure, you might receive a more acceptable response. Satan is seeking someone to devour. He already tried to destroy you, and now he is going for your wife. You may be able to help her by telling her how you were lured into his trap of adultery, thus showing her the jagged jaws that await her if she continues in this behavior. (Every act of unfaithfulness starts in the mind and heart.) Yes, emotional infidelity is an issue here, but her faith is as well.
I believe that since your wife is a Christian of the Baptist persuasion, she has no business seeking advice from a Jehovah's Witness. He is trying to "earn his way" and right now your wife may look like an easy mark. If she feels she needs to get more advice than she is getting from your marriage counselor, she should talk to her pastor or women's ministry leader at her church. And if a friend is consulted, it should be a woman who can relate to her and give her sound, biblical advice. Your late evenings should be a time that the two of you spend with each other, connecting, cleaving, communicating, and building trust to carry you into the next day.
YOU need to be her friend. Be open and available for conversation on any topic. Initiate conversations with your wife on topics she wants to talk about. Actively listen to her. If she can "talk herself out," so to speak, with you, her need to have friendly conversation with someone else will be diminished. Let her know that you enjoy being her friend, need her friendship, and enjoy talking with her. Have you tried making a date with her? Set aside a full day for the two of you to spend together. Set some fun ground rules like "no electronic communication devices allowed." One of you gets to pick the activity for the day and the other gets to pick the restaurants, etc. Yeah it takes a lot of effort to have a good marriage. But all that hard work can be fun at the same time. Be someone your wife enjoys being with. If you have to, ask her to make a list of what she wants in a friend. It is possible for you to be both her friend and her lover.
Does this man initiate communication with your wife part of the time? If so, then I think it is safe to assume that his motives may not be pure. If she contacts him for advice, or for any other reason, she should stop. But if he is calling her, and that makes you uncomfortable, I think you have a right to ask him to stop. Are you up to confronting your enemy? Keep in mind:
Ephesians 6:12 (ASV)
12 For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the world-rulers of this darkness, against the spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. (Please read the verse in context, 10-18.)
Another possible option: ask your wife to include you in her conversations with her friend. Speaker phones are great. Sit by her side when she is Skyping. If this guy has so much wonderful advice to give, and he honestly wants to help the two of you work out your problems, then surely he has things to say to you as well as to your wife. When you think the conversation should end, feel free to tell the man, "It's late and my wife and I need some time to ourselves." Let him see you kiss her on the neck then hit the button to end the call.
Under the circumstances, I'm sure if you were having regular communication with another woman, she would appreciate being included in the conversations. Ask to read the text messages and emails. Again, search your own heart and know your motivation. There is a difference in actions inspired by insecurity and trying to do everything in your power to save your marriage. Insecurity will make you try to control your wife's behavior so that YOU will feel better. Love will lead you to do what is best for your wife and for the relationship.
At this stage of recovery of your marriage BOTH OF YOU need to have a "reveal all" mentality. Trust has to be earned. There is no room for creating doubt. Satan will use any bit of secrecy and doubt he can to tear you apart and destroy your marriage. Be willing to do anything you ask of your wife. If you want to read all her text messages, offer all of yours for her to read. But offer yours first! Make your entire life an open book to her. If she feels like you are keeping anything from her, she will keep details from you as well. She may even create something to keep from you--like a "platonic" relationship.
Are you insecure? I don't know. Probably. Is your wife insecure? I'd bet on it! And both of you have good reason to be so! The good news is, you both can overcome your insecurities and fears because God is for you, not against you. And concerning jealousy--God is a jealous God. Maybe the two of you can do a little Bible study on that topic, gain an understanding together about what healthy, godly, jealousy looks like, and come to realize it is an important part of the marriage relationship.
As with all of life's events and circumstances, take this situation to God, tell Him you need help knowing what to do about it, and ask Him how He would like for you to handle it. Pray for your wife as well. If the relationship your wife has with this man bothers you, (and I think it should) there is not a thing in the world wrong with praying and asking God to put a stop to it. If He ends it, you won't have to. And how easy is that? :)
Pray together. I promise you that nothing cures insecurity like knowing that your spouse is seeking God and being obedient to Him.
Let me end by suggesting a couple of books. His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage, by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. and it's companion, Love Busters. Also, please check out this web site www.marriagetoday.com. If you have satellite or cable TV, see if you can find the program Marriage Today Magazine. If you can make a habit of watching it, you will be blessed and encouraged. Lots of good stuff there!
I hope I have been of some help to you. Never, NEVER give up on God or your commitment to your wife and marriage. I would love for you to stop back by here and share your victories and answered prayers with us as well as your problems and concerns.
Praying for you,
Adam’s Rib
Miss Any Articles?
(Just click. We'll email them to you.)
A Time to be Silent, A Time to Speak, Pt 1
A Time to be Silent, A Time to Speak, Pt2
Non-Romantic Husband
Arguments vs Romance
Too Tired for Romance
Practical Wife
Serendipity Romance
Hope and Healing
Wanting to Do It Right
Sometimes Jealous Wife
Caged on the East Coast
Wanting Children
Step Parent/Blended Family Relationships
Intimacy and Passion
Sexually Distraught
~ About Me ~
From an early age I knew what kind of man I wanted to marry, and while I was still a teenager, I became a wife. I didn't marry the kind of man I had envisioned from my youth. After all, does Mr. Perfect really exist?
The last twenty-five years have been packed with experiences: good and bad, high and low, fun and tragic, joyful and sorrowful. In that time I have watched as the God of all creation transformed the man I married into the prince of my dreams, and more. I've undergone my share of transformation too as the Lord has dealt with my less than perfect nature. I could have never imagined a life so full and blessed, nor a marriage so rich and sweet.
It is my hope, my prayer, and my intent to help seekers live the abundant life that Christ died to give. Through this page readers can ask questions, request prayer, and hopefully grow and improve their relationships with their spouse and with God. I will share the truth of God's Word along with insights into marital relationships gained from years of practical experience.
Grateful to be,
Adam's Rib
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