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Adam's Rib Article - Intimacy and Passion
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~ Intimacy and Passion ~
Question:
Hi, I'm from Ohio and I am 35 and have been married for 6 years now. My husband and I have both been married before. My situation is that I love my husband and feel that he is a really decent man. I don't have to worry about him hanging out late, disrepectful friends (he has none), or wandering eyes. The problem though, is that our marriage really lacks the passion that leads to intimacy for me. We rarely have sex. Maybe twice a month. I absolutely avoid that type of intimacy at all cost. I just do not feel excited to be with him. I believe it's because there's something with all of his good that I can't trust. He doesn't feel genuine to my heart. He seems to be more mechanically spiritual than a true lover and friend. He always does the surface right things. I mean his spirituality seems to be heavily based on crossing his t's and dotting his i's to make sure he is worthy of his salvation. Although he would never agree to that. So there's this judgemental nature about him, that is subtle. I feel that I can't have an emotional moment or be simply human. Although he encourages me, he pours scriptures on me without out really connecting with me. He wears this mask all day and all night. He feels its being spiritually mature and seasoned in the Lord. I feel that he shoves his fears and insecurities into a supressed box. I have learned to safe-guard my heart from him of any heart issues. I can't confide in him or truly rest in his arms. I feel this is why I struggle to be intimate with him. Sharing intimacy with him leaves me feeling hurt to my core. I feel violated and used. It's like how can I go to that level of intimacy and closeness with him, when I can't open up and share all of my heart with him for the fear of being judged or misunderstood. How can I get past this? ~ Hopeful
Dear Hopeful in Ohio,
I will begin my response by reminding you and all my readers that I am not a trained counselor. I write here simply to share my experience and insight. I often recommend seeking professional and spiritual advice when dealing with difficult marital issues. It never hurts to talk your circumstances over with your pastor. That’s why he is there.
That said; let us first look at a couple of terms you used in your letter. Passion and intimacy. I think I understand your definition of intimacy to be enjoyable, physically satisfying sexual intercourse. I’m not sure I know how you would define passion.
First, let me clear up some confusion and maybe change your perspective. You said that there was not enough passion to lead to intimacy. That thinking is a bit backward.
Intimacy has to come first. I’m not talking about sex. Sex is sex. Intimacy is about closeness, devotion, and common ground. A woman has a hard time opening up and wanting or enjoying sexual contact without intimacy.
It sounds like you need to look for intimacy in your relationship and take some time to develop it if it is not there. The most important thing to consider is this: do you and your husband share a love and commitment to Jesus Christ? When one partner is more devoted than another there will be a bit of tension, but it can be overcome with prayer. Ask God to bring your marriage into a spiritual partnership rather than a superior vs. inferior relationship. Pray together. Worship together. Read God’s Word together. Grow in your spiritual walk together.
Do you enjoy some of the same activities? Do you share a fun secret that only the two of you know? Intimacy does not have to be a complicated thing. My husband and I both enjoy driving in a gentle rain. That shared pleasure got us into one of the worst storms we’ve ever been in. Getting through the bad hail storm together and coming out of it shaken but in one piece developed intimacy between us. Financial struggles, in-law problems, illness, all life’s trials can be tools for building intimacy when you choose to face the trials together, and on the same team. Likewise, fun vacations, simple walks in the park, or favorite movies can be intimacy-build tools.
What can you do to become your husband’s best friend? Best friends are close and know each other intimately without ever having sexual contact. Get to know your spouse and get to know him well. And, this can be tough sometimes, let him get to know you. That will mean trusting him with your feelings, your thoughts, your success and your failures. Sometimes it even means trusting him with character flaws and sins.
I get the feeling that you think your husband is a bit hypocritical or that he judges you somehow. Do you think that his heart’s intent is to judge you? Or are you being just a little judgmental of him? You feel like he is wearing a mask and keeping his fears and insecurities from you. Most men see themselves as the provider and protector of their family and home. Looking at it from his perspective, how can he be your protector if he admits to you that he has any fear? How can he provide you with security if he admits his own insecurities? He wants and needs your respect. He may think you won't respect him if he is insecure or fearful. You're expecting your husband to talk about his feelings. That may happen on television, but it is rare in real life. Perhaps it is time for a good long heart-to-heart on this issue. This is where a pastor could be of great benefit. I strongly recommend getting your hands on a book and video study entitled Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. You can even download an entire conference by going to www.lovenandrespect.com. It will change your life!
Honestly, I have found that when I start looking at my husband’s spiritual flaws, I fail to see the whole picture. My sin and hypocrisy hung Jesus on the cross just as quickly as my husband’s sin. Besides, you have no control over your spouse’s spiritual condition whether he is a saint or just tries to act like one. Just keeping yourself on the straight and narrow is hard enough. Please understand this one thing. You need to love and respect your husband and allow Christ to be the judge of his motives.
Now let me give you some thoughts concerning passion. Passion is that strong driving desire or enthusiasm for something or someone that pushes you into action. My passion for Jesus Christ, His acceptance and approval, pushes me to obey God’s laws, remain faithful to my husband, and tell others how to have his gift of eternal life. My passion for chocolate makes me justify eating a whole bag of M&Ms, maybe even skipping lunch to balance my daily calorie count. My passion for my husband—my strong desire or enthusiasm for his happiness, his pleasure, and his fulfillment—causes me to connect with him sexually. I’ve found that satisfying sex in marriage has nothing to do with self-satisfaction. It’s about giving yourself to your spouse out of love, intimacy, and passion for them.
One last thing I’d like for you to ponder. You said that both of you have been married before. Every second marriage I know has baggage carried over from the first. You did not say if the first marriages ended in death or divorce, but either way, I’m betting there is some baggage. I’ve been married almost twenty-seven years to just one man but I still find myself bringing much of my attitudes about my father into my marriage. I place some undeserved hostilities and unrealistic expectations upon my dear husband because of my upbringing. I wonder; have you been violated and used in the past? Are you bringing those old memories and experiences into this marriage?
Please make sure you are seeing your husband as he is, not as you suspect him. Give all your old baggage to the Lord who died for the privilege of carrying it for you. When you feel like you can’t open up and share your heart with your husband, remember that you can always share it with Jesus. When examining motives, examine your own heart and trust Jesus with your husband’s. Develop intimacy with your husband, let passion grow, and then wait patiently for that satisfying sexual connection you long for.
Sharing in Your Hope,
Adams’s Rib
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