It is understood by everyone who is married, or in a love relationship, that each of us is guilty of saying and doing unloving things toward each other from time to time. There is no human being that stands guiltless of this. One of the greatest roadblocks to love and romance within a marriage relationship, is not practicing the asking and giving of forgiveness when one has wronged their lifemate.
Our readers are requesting to know what others are experiencing in their marriage- and love relationships.
Please share YOUR thoughts on forgiveness to encourage and assist other readers. Please take a moment and share with us any of the following:
How is the lack of forgiveness affecting YOUR love relationship?
How does the forgiveness in your love relationship affect the love and romance you experience?
How does your mate ask your forgiveness?
How do YOU ask your mate's forgiveness?
How would you change the way your mate asks your forgiveness?
What do you think is most important about forgiveness?
Share Your Thoughts on Forgiveness
(Include First Name, City, State, Country,
Email Address, and Comments on Forgiveness)
What You Have Said About Forgiveness
I have had to learn a lot about forgiveness in the past two years! While I was serving in Iraq I had to find out my wife at the time was cheating on me with a co-worker of hers. She led me to believe nothing was going on but all of it was my fault for my "emotional cheating" (same as physical to women GUYS!)on the internet. I chatted with women on the net under a false name just to pass the time. Tried to tell her one night but she said not to tell her and confess it to God. Problem was she found out on her own the next day and it made it much worse. My emotional cheating happened during the first tour but her cheating began on the second tour while I was gone. I understood my part in creating the doubts but my anger towards her came as I began to let it sink in that she did this to me while I was there fighting for our country and dealing with my dad battling cancer. I was rushed home later to be there for him only to let him see me just before he passed away. Was the worst time in my life to have someone leave me at such a vulnerable state. I dealt with it the best I could. Finally divorce was all said and done despite still having only two homes in both our names. The ex took one and so did I. Shortly after my dad's death I met a wonderful woman who 9 months later became my wife. Yes it was sudden to go from one marriage to another but she was the one for me once she touched me with her sweet embrace! As time went on, (I feel as though) the ex started emailing and texting about very small stuff and I would answer or return calls and texts as well, just being nice. I was merely doing this out of fear, that if I didn't she would take me to court forcing me to refi my home to get it out of her name, or God knows only what, out of spite! Finally enough was enough when I have told her more than once we need to keep our contact minimal and strictly business! Well low and behold she did it again, emailed me and said she was holding my dad's pictures with me for ransom in exchange for visitation with our dog!! I should have blown my top with her when I made a bee line to her with my wife in tow. Intended to raise my voice but I didn’t. While I was being nice in my mind and "not" still in love with the ex, I tore my wife apart by not standing up to my ex for my wife. After I left I think the ex got the point but still, clueless that I still hurt my wife by not stopping all contact with the ex and putting my foot down.
Long story short, I learned to forgive my ex for what she did and to forgive myself for what I did as well. At the same token I had to understand that just because in our hearts we know we are being faithful, but our actions can do something totally different. After a few great books and a Family Life retreat, I learned my role as a husband. Women are built nothing like us; their libido is just as important as our ego. Research it, learn it, and your marriage will transform like you have never seen. My second wife and I both have learned a great deal about forgiveness. Even though we say I love you we still have to show it. GUYS!!! If you haven't got anything from this...GET THIS! If your marriage is falling apart, it all boils down to you. It is our God given responsibility for ensuring harmony in our marriage! Two books by Gary Smalley, For Better or For Best and If He Only Knew. One is for her and one is for you. Tired of arguing about the same thing and having the same point to prove but why are you arguing? Read it! Do your research, but don't dare do it just to get what you want! If you truly do it sacrificially, you will back tenfold what you have ever wished for out of a marriage I promise! God bless! And bookachoo, I thank God for your forgiving heart and for blessing me with such a wonderful love. I love you! ~ Phillip from Little Rock, AR
Christmas marks the birth of Jesus. Martin Luther often talked of the babe in the manager as Christ Crucified. Luther, I think, suggests the whole of Christ's life intended his crucifixion....because Christ hoped he would make clear the fact that even unjust death does not separate us from GOD. His life and death clarified forgiveness so no one would ever be in doubt again. Christmas might well be thought of as the Gift of Forgiveness for all of humankind.
to give back what was before,
What is before--
the whole and perfect
Child of GOD
Of my (and our) creation.
To return to
Embracing one's Self
As GOD sees and knows us.
Any and every
action, deed, object, thought--
Encouraging us to embrace less
Of our Child of GODness--
stays with us,
Putting back the pieces,
Making it right.
Reveals our sensing of how
We are less than we were
the acts, thoughts, words, which
Separated us from
What we sensed we were
Can be helpful,
When we feel
We know we have
Chickened out, and
Chosen to be less than how we were created,
Child of GOD.
The perfect creation
Of each wonderful Self.
(GOD is no chicken.)
make the choices
My GOD created
And after such a choice
I must be somehow
what was be-
And so shall we all.
We are all filled with the power of the Holy Spirit,
We can all
Forgive each person we encounter everyday,
By listening, hearing,
where they deny GOD's creation
In their own Self;
Encourage each one to
Choose to be Forgiven, to
Choose to be Restored.
Forgiveness rights no wrongs.
Forgiveness lets go of
Our self's (ego's?) sense of
brokenness, separateness, and violation;
Our Self's sense of
Mystery, greatness, and depth.
Belonging to the fabric of all of life,
Child of GOD. ~ Donald / Lenoir, NC
It seems most of the posts here are from men, which only makes sense considering the title of this web page. But somehow I stumbled on to this page, so here is one wife's thoughts on forgiveness. I've been married to my wonderful man almost 25 years.
Unforgiveness creeps into your food, into your closet, into your bed, into your mouth, into your eyes .... and once it fills your home and heart, it festers and causes your very soul to rot. There can be no romance where there is unforgiveness, and love has a hard time surviving as well. For any of you ladies that might be reading here -- The quickest way to drive your man away from yourself and God and turn his heart to stone is to refuse to forgive him.
In the last 25 years my husband and I have done and said plenty to hurt each other. Little stuff and some REALLY BIG stuff, if you can measure sin. As I've grown in Christ, I've learned that I don't own the rights to that measuring stick. There is nothing my husband can do to offend me that is any greater than what I've done to offend my Holy Lord. And He forgave and continues to forgive me. And if my husband has sinned, his sin is against God first and me second. If the righteous Judge took upon himself the condemnation and punishment for my husband's sin, who am I to think that I am so important that I should refuse to overlook something that has not cost me my life. I only need to look into the mirror of God's Word a few short minutes before I see how I've wronged my husband as many times as he has wronged me.
My husband doesn't always ask for forgiveness. Sometimes there is a simple "I'm sorry." Sometimes there are tears and hugs. Sometimes he makes sexual advances. Sometimes he doesn't even know that he has hurt me and that he is in need of my forgiveness. How I respond is up to me. It's my choice. But if I am to live as Christ, it seems to me that forgiveness should take place before he even has a chance to ask for it. And in those times when he is unaware that I've been offended, forgiveness needs to happen with respect, humility, mercy, and possibly in silence, not bringing attention to his shortcomings or failures.
Attitude follows action where forgiveness is concerned. I seldom FEEL like forgiving because my flesh wants to punish him and make him squirm. But when I choose to forgive, agape love rushes in like a flood and close on it's heels is that wonderful eros love. Ahhh... Romance! Marriage, romance and intimacy is restored.
To husbands who are reading -- I've learned to forgive by the example found in God's Word which is lived out by my life long mate. ~ Lavonda / Amarillo TX
[Webmistress Response: "Lavonda, you humble me as I have read the wisdom you have shared. You are a woman of excellence, and I am honored that you have taken the time to minister here. Thank you and may the Lord bless you and your precious husband!"]
I would LOVE to be forgiven for my recent transgression because it's eating me alive (and it's just happened). I did something that I thought was completely innocent, only to be proven VERY wrong and now my wife doesn't know if she can ever forgive or trust me again. I am addicted to those online "Personality Tests". You know, the ones where you can discover "What kind of ice cream are you?" or "What is your perfect car?" or "Which world leader do you most resemble?". Of course, the best ones I've ever found happened to be on a dating website. Well, they make you fill out a profile so you can take these tests and I thought (stupidly) that it would be fun to see how many women out there would accept me for who I was... Except that I didn't mention I was married. It's not like I went on that site looking for someone or anything, I just did the thing I normally do: I acted before I thought about the consequences. My wife, tonight, found the site in the history of web pages visited. I told her it was just for grins, but she wasn't buying it and told me that what I did was the same as cheating. I want desperately to prove that I didn't mean anything by it. To me, it was no different than flirting harmlessly with say, a waitress or a cashier at the grocery store.
Myself, I'm the kind of person to forgive and forget in literally a matter of hours. I can honestly forgive and forget too, not just an expression. I have been thinking for the last six hours about this and wondering if anyone else has made the same mistake I did and how they would go about rebuilding that trust that I've lost. I am seriously going to start a campaign against the internet I think. Yes, I would have to utilize the internet to do so, but sometimes you have to use fire to fight fire, use evil means to defeat evil. I seriously believe that there are people out there who were put on this earth simply to fight a worse evil. Maybe that's my calling. ~ John K., Cologne, MN... Contact me
I've been married for over 10 years. We have 2 wonderful children. We have seperated in the past. Each time I was so happy when she came back. I told myself that I would change the things that drove her away and to some extenxt I did. However as time passed I found myself doing some of the same things. I would sit and think about what I would want to say or do. Then when I got home, it would come out all wrong. Or I would find myself getting angry at her innocent comments. My wife just recently left me and I have the feeling that she will never forgive me. She has already talked to a lawyer and will not talk to me. I know there is nothing I can say that will change her mind. I have very liitle hope at this time but I want to try to heal our wounds even if so we can be friends. I want to be the friend and husband she needs but I always find my foot in mouth. I'm have very strong beliefs and feelings and she has told me she feels that hers do not matter. Nothing could be further from the truth but I fear I have acted like this to her. I am writing this so maybe others can learn from my mistakes. Make your wife the most important aspect of your life in actions and deeds. When angry, don't ever say things you don't mean. Grow your relationship. Love/Marriage are not rights, they must be tended to to grow and flourish or they will wither and die. ~ Steven Warner-Robins, GA
i have been married to the most wonderful girl in the world her name is cheri , we married two years ago but i havent been the best husband , in fact i was not a good husband at all , in the last 7 weeks i have gotten my life back together and i want her to know how sorry i am for the mistakes that i have made , i love her so much and she is everything i could want in a wife , i know i can make her happy if i were given the chance ,we are separated right now but my love for her grows everyday , we have a new baby boy he is 7 months old his name is joshua i love him so much , i am doing all the right things now and i plan to continue to do so , i hope God brings us back together i miss her so much ,thanks for listening - joe
I am a 27 yr old male from detroit. I have not had the best past, I have gotten two o.u.i.l's. That is a drunk driving. I have just gotten married in January and in February I got a third drunk driving. I understand that I have a drinking problem. Ever since this insident my wife has not been the same. We fight about the stupid stuff in life and the important things, we fight about everything. I know it all revolves around this drunk driving that I recently got. I told her that I am truly sorry and even gave up alcohol. I think my marriage is coming to an end. I love this woman with all my heart and I would do anything to make it work. I don't think she is willing to forgive me, but she says she is willing to go to marriage counseling. I did agree but a part of me thinks it is not going to work. I have really messed up and I don't know what to do to have her forgive me. I really need some advice on how I could possibly have her forgive me for this incredible mistake I have done. If anyone can help, please contact me, my name is philip......................PLEASE HELP!!!!!!
Forgiveness should not be given too easily; but should be preceded by confession & repentance by the offending person; even if only offered after some coaxing. This would seem to be the biblical principle. - ChieflyOne
hi my name is sheridan, im 15 and from austin tx and my opinions on forgiveness are simple. in life you give, so that in return you can recieve...right? wrong. only love fearing people give so that love doubting people can be selfish. when you give in relationships you overtime, gain the feeling that you must have to FORgive someone. when you love someone you also recognize more than neccesary, the mistakes that you make in the relationship, therfore in turn you understand that even yourself needs to be FORgiven. so basically what im trying to say is that...if you fear love you will posess the best love and the power to forgive freely, without regret, but, if you doubt love, whether it be because of many past broken hearts, you will not be given worthy, unconditional love nor the power to forgive someone's mistakes. in life...we search so desperately to realize lessons learned from bad love just to have an excuse to lesson the pain, so if we forgive an! d forget when we are hurt, then we will be rewarded by being forgiven for what mistakes we make in the future...REALIZE... - Sheridan, Austin, TX
I'm not sure what I feel about forgiveness these days...my wife of 25 yrs has left me, 3 mths ago, and has now accepted partial responsibility for our marital difficulty...I too accept mine...that said, I don't understand the lack of forgiveness on her part so we can reconcile and be together again. The status seems to be a permanent separation from her perspective...I'm alone, depressed and anxious about the future...I thought forgiveness was paramount in all relationships. - W.K., Houston, TX
How do I stop thinking about my wife as a cheater with her ex-boyfriend. - Lenue, Irmo, SC
FORGIVENESS IS THE STRONGEST HUMAN CHARACTER
Love attributes of compassion and mercy are necessary for sustenance of the creation and human community. Salvation which is the highest merit in God-man relationship is built on forgiveness stemming from God's compassion and mercy on the sinful man. As Christianicty is essentially a religion of forgivers, God expressed this character of compassionate forgiveness to man after his fall in disobedience; and you, made in the image and likeness of God is in turn required to show mercy to your neighbour for his or her wrongs and debts.
You are by extension to show mercy and compassion by forgiving your wife, husband, daughter, son, children, father, mother, brother, sister, friend or acquaintance. Forgiveness has to be uncountable (Mat 18:22, until seventy times seven). Forgiveness will also have to be underserving, because the quality of love is in its unmerited and undeserving nature - (Rom 5:8, while were were yet sinners, Christ died for us). Love is painful, as Saint Theresa says that you ought to give until it hurts. The great love injunction is to do to others what you would like others to do to you. You are then obliged to lovingly forgive others, so that God will forgive you your sins; and others will forgive you your wrongs and debts against them.
The imperative of forgiving should be built on the fact that you can ever personally see all your wrongs to others - the same people that are to forgive you, by God's precept. As these people forgive you what you did not even know that you did wrong, not to talk of having the opportunity to confess, you are like automatically required to extend the same magnanimity to those that you feel have wronged you.
Any religious, economic, political and ideological system will be defective if it has a legalistic theme of vengeance and merciless punishment. The human community can just not continue to be sustained if the law is mercilessly followed to the letter. It is noteworthy that the law failed to maintain the order in God-man relationship until God introduced mercy and grace, whose height is the sin-atoning blood and death of Jesus Christ (Rom 8:3) - For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh...
Strong attachments with the accompanying disappointments make quarrels to be bitter. In the face of all the heaviness of heart, you are required to forgive and forget in order to empty the pains. But, it is not all that humanly easy.
Our first love should be the lord God and all other things reduce our love and intimacy with Him. This explains why God, when He wants to make a closer contact with us could deprive us of the comfort of these attachments, in form of material things - money, pssessions, wife, husband, children, parents and gifts. In the face of all these disappointments and ones failure to live us to the moral expectations, the one will have withdraw to himself and humbly go to God to acknowledge his or her weakness and helplessness, and asking for help and blessing.
It is then that God will be so pleased with your humility that His spirit will direct you to where and what you should be doing at that time, which could even be unrelated to the depressing situation you found yourself. This calls for prayer, which is a way of placing before God, a problem that has developed out of your relationship with fllowmen. The word of God is the relevant tonic and direction at that time. You will be surprised how God's word with His spirit are a good healing to your broken soul and heart, provided you make out the time and putting all else behind you. The word of God is a guide to knowing the peace and joy that God gives.
The father nature of God makes him to welcome us whenever we come back to him to beg for his accptance. Jesus told the parable of the Prodical Son among other things that the father God delights in seeing the strayed person back to his fold. (Luke 15:20, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck, and kissed him).
Forgiving is cleansing. You should first forgive yourself of your past sins and sins of your youth. Dissect your entire life to remember all who might have wronged or owed you and forgive all of them. Doing this will empty your heart and mind so that God's presence and spirit will fill you...This emptying of ones heart is the secret of joy and peace that the Lord gives. You will then be able to sleep like a child; and in the midst of your work, you will be humming angelic melodious tunes to the glory of the Eternal Father and liberation of your soul.
May the forgiving Lord bless you, forgive you all your sins and bring you to eternal happiness in the name of Jesus Christ his son. - Boniface Jonas, Lagos, Nigeria
I never like to sound preachy, but whenever I think of forgiveness, I try to keep God in it. If ever I want to say to my husband, "How many times are you going to apologize for the same thing?", I remind myself first to think of how many times I've apologized to God for my own shortfalls. Remembering that none of us are perfect is the key for me. - Etoile, U.S.
It may be hard to forgive but it can be done. When I chased my wife into the arms of another man we both had a hard time forgiving one another. But we learned to communicate, forgave each other and still love each other today. Even though we still have problems from time to time, we are able to talk and forgive each other when we hurt one another. I learned to trust her and control my jealousy and she learned to not hide anything from me as in the past. - Tom, Anniston, AL
I don't really have a comment on forgiveness, but that my husband will not forgive me, we have been married for four years and have a beautiful child who was so reluctant to be born four months preemie, (has cerebral palsy, which has not been a great strain, but not easy), well I started to do drugs, and was caught, but my husband did them too with me, but when I did it without him, he left me, I am now not on drugs and I have our child and am raising him to the best of my ability, my husband still comes around and is still in love with me, but he says he just cannot be with me because of the past, what am I to do, somebody please explain that to me?
Sincerely brokenhearted in NC.- Alecia, Fayetteville, NC
My boyfriend of three years broke up with me...his reason was I was too jealous. We had plans to get married soon. It's been a month...all this time helped me to realize how wrong I was! He never gave me any reason to have any doubts...I'm devastated. I don't know what to do...I tried talking to him, let him know the mistake I made and to start all over again...I'm trying to help myself with this problem I have, but I need him in my life...Please, what else should or can I do? Thanks. - Raina Rodriguez, Glendale, AZ
I don't believe that a marriage can survive without forgiveness. There can be no freedom to approach each other, no will to express yourself, your fears, your desires. There is no perfection in me- without the forgivenessof a loving wife I don't believe that growth would be possible. I am very thankful that we have a loving and forgiving relationship. It opens the door to alot of contentment. - Emery, Plant City, FL
Unforgiveness, in my opinion, is the underlying distance between husband and wife. My wife and I have been married for 26 years and we are in the renewal mode. So many things have happened over the years in a busy lifestyle household. We raised two kids and along the way many things built up between us. Things happen that build between you. These things are not always taken care of correctly. If the slate is clean, there is open communication. If there are things not cleared, there is strife. The real trick is to be honest, and in some cases, for one reason or another, one side feels as though they can't be completely honest, this too creates distance. You may think that it's just your little secret. Your spouse may not know what it is, but they know there is something. My wife and I try to reveal even the hurtful things. Things such as the way I feel about personal things, and that's tough. We try to go into each situation with the presumption that there is going to be opposite responses, just because we are human. I do things typical of a man and so she does things typical of a woman. We try not to hold those things against each other. - Steve, Dayton, TX
When I have wronged my wife, I tell her that I recognize that I was wrong, and ask that she forgive me and promise to try my hardest not to do that again. Depending on the severity of how I wronged her, it may take hours or days to be forgiven. When she wrongs me, I am usually able to forgive her within a few hours. The best thing I have ever heard regarding forgiveness was from our bishop when he married us (he has been married for many years). He said that marriage is full of compromises and often the feelings of one partner or the other will be hurt, but one thing to always do and remember is forgive the person who wronged you when they ask truly for forgiveness and NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY WITH YOUR PARTNER. Always take the time before bed to talk it out. - Jason, Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada
While we all get upset over things, my wife will hold a grudge toward family members who she feels have disrespected her. For many years she has exhibited only tolerance toward my sister and mother. Be what the reasons are, it has made holidays, birthdays and other occasions difficult. Anger has placed me in the middle and made our relationship difficult at times. My resentment has made what should have been some of the best years of our relationship strained and therefore, less close than it should have been. Slowly things are improving with age, but there has still been a lot of lost years of what started out an extremely rewarding relationship. My only advice is that there is no meaning to holding out such anger. While we can all be extremely hurtful, more harm comes from not forgiving than the loss and respect one might feel for giving and forgiving. - John, Burleson, TX
Forgiveness has to be an ongoing process, not just a case-by-case objective. One has to have tremendous inner strength and wisdom to accomplish this mantra. It has to do with trust, honor and respect. God has instructed us in the Boo to forgive others their trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. So, spiritually, we are required to do so. I have been hurt many times by my spouse and others, but I find it to be a great comfort to forgive them, not for personal gain, but because it is the right thing to do and I feel a warmth flowing over me as I do so. - Michael, Houston, Texas
You must ask for forgiveness and never bring up the past (argued) argument. Forgiveness is forgetting and by bringing up the past, you are not "fighting" fair, but opening up an old wound that will never scab/heal. - Vazgen Bedrosian, Burbank, CA